This Year's Love

8:40pm: Waiting for my life to start...
You know, every once in awhile it occurs to me what a long and painful road I have ahead. I would be the one to the pick a profession where there's a million and one other people all competing for one job, no health insurance, no guareentees, constant compietion and critcism with blood, sweat and tears. I know it's normal to have doubts, but the thing is, I can't see myself doing anything else. I honestly can't. But I'm so fucking terrified that I'm not meant to be a preformer. If I'm not, what the hell am I meant to be ? I know I'm still young, but I want things to start happening now. I'm super impatient and it hurts to not have anything or be anywhere remotely close to where I wanna be. I just don't know anymore. :(

And you know what, people can kiss my ass, because going behind someone's back and saying shit about them is so lame. So fucking immature and I'm pissed, to tell the God's honest truth. Especially since I was right there. RIGHT fucking there.

I think I'll drive my car into a tree.

12:33pm: Why can't I have a trillion dollars ?
All my problems would be solved...including the car issues. I swear, I have the WORST luck with cars in the entire world. Can't wait to move to NYC where I don't need a car. Public transportation, here I come !! I also could go to Kathy's fan club breakfast in Cali, because not only is Kathy gonna be there (the last week of March), my Nathaniel is going to be there as well !!!! Um, methinks something's going on between them, but it's none of my business. Anyway, the people who are going are so damn LUCKY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hate having the whole day free with nothing much to do, except school stuff that I really should be doing and keep putting off. Sucks to be me, let me tell ya.

I got my Hairspray tix in the mail !!!! So I'll be going to NYC twice in less than 2 weeks !! Yay !!!! April is just not coming fast enough...

Good things in April:
My birthday
My 4 year anniversary
The weekend of 4/15 (going to see Wicked and going to the OLTL studios to meet K&N)
4/28- Hairspray !!! (time #5)

March sucks. I'm impatient as well, so c'mon now. :)

10:44pm: Chinese food is good.
I hate Bio with the fire of a million suns. I'm the dumbest, most incapable person in the class and I spend the entire 3 hours of lab resenting the very fact I'm forced to take the class in the first place. I'm a frickin theatre major. THEATRE. When the fuck am I ever gonna use biology ? The answer is...NEVER. NEVER EVER. God, it makes me sick. Piece of shit school.

In regards to biology, I did have the urge to ask my professor if one can really contract a disease from garbage, pass it on to someone through sex and have that person's liver get damaged from the infection, because of prior drug use. My guess is that the writers of OLTL pulled the storyline out of their asses. That's were they tend to get most of their stories.

Queer Eye was fabulous last night. I love the fact Jai had something to do in the episode and the guy was into musical theatre and straight (an oddity). I didn't notice it was Hunter Foster (LSOH) in the workshop, till Steph pointed it out to me. I'm oblivious.

If one of the schools I applied to does not respond soon, someone is going to get hurt.

Lastly (but not least) my girl Kathy Brier got nominated for a Daytime Emmy in the outstanding supporting actress category. I'm mighty pissed off Nathaniel got shafted, but ecastic for Kathy, because she deserves it and she'll win, I just know it. :)

YAY KATHY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

11:00am: Procrastination...
I'm not doing what I should at the moment...huh, story of my life. Oh wellsey.

Got awesome seats for the 4/28 show of Hairspray. I was going to go to Kathy's last but the seats were majorly sucky and I was NOT about to pay the same price for crappy seats as I could for good, orchestra seats. Plus, it's Peter's first time seeing the show on B-way and I wanted him to be able to see it from a good seat. We have Row B and C, not sitting together, but the seats are right near one another, so I'm not complaining. I'm so excited cuz I've been down lately and this perks me up a bit. :) And I'm gonna see Wicked on 4/15, so that makes two B-way shows in less than two weeks !! Whoo-hoo !

The Oscars last night were boring. Very perdictable. Snooze. Bill Murrary should have won Best Actor because I saw "Lost in Translation" on Saturday and he was incredible, very understated. The movie was awesome...made me sad, though, in a way. I highly recommend it.

Life feels bigger than me and I hate it sometimes. I guess I'm going thru a rough patch. I don't feel really connected to anyone...most days, I'm just kinda going thru the motions of life. I know it'll get better, but when, is the question. This sucks. Period.

8:12pm: Yay !!
Got my income tax check back !! "Hairspray" tickets !! I'm gonna deposit it tomorrow. Very, very happy. Now if I can finish my shit for applying to Stony Brook, I'll be fantastic. Whoo-hoo. If I get in, it'll be even better.

See, I've gotten so damn lazy lately that when I accomplish ANYTHING, it seems like a major thing. Oh well. It doesn't help I don't have any energy. Sunday's rehearsal drained me for today...we practiced the same number 90 billion times. And some people still have no clue. <>

In other news, Jane Krakowski of Ally Mcbeal fame is in the computer lab at school. :)

Current Mood: accomplished

11:46am: Well, duh.

borderline


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11:39am: Omigod, someone kill the lady next to me.
I'm at the library and some woman is not so quietly nagging her kids about their grades right next to me. Shut the hell up, please.

Hmm...I have a mid-term for my musical theatre preformance class in a few weeks and I have to pick a show and a song from the show. Because I'm lazy-ass and don't wanna do alot of research, I may go with "On My Own" from Les Miz and Les Miz as my show. I'm so boring, I know. Oh well. :)

5:11pm: Why doesn't anyone give me my mail around here ?
God forbid anything important comes...I'll get it nine months later. Gotta love this house.

Bowling for Columbine is the best thing I think I've ever seen. I was awed into silence for awhile afterwards, which if you know me, you know that doesn't happen very often. So yeah. :)

I'm happy Peter's coming with me to "Hairspray" because I have this feeling, with all the chaos, I'm gonna get pushed and shoved in the autograph line. I'm not very agressive, so I'd just let myself get coralled to the back. But he'll be with me, so he said he wouldn't let anyone push me. He's a big guy, so I believe him. :)

12:49pm: Bio is evil.
I think I failed this test I studied my ass off for. Oh well.

Yesterday was the one year anniversary of The Station Fire. My heart goes out to all of those poor people who lost their lives in that fire and their families.

I want new cd's !!
The new Little Shop cast recording
Songs For a New World
Jane Eyre cast recording
Avenue Q
The newest Carols for a Cure (which I somehow missed out on when I went to see "Hairspray" all those times they were selling them)

I can't wait for May 2..gonna be in NYC the month before too, seeing Wicked, but Kathy's and Harvey's last show is gonna kick so much ass. I'm buying her flowers and getting a pic. I get so caught up in chatting with her for a few and such that I never get a picture with the two of us. She's a complete sweetie.

I DON"T WANNA GO TO BIO LAB !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

11:02pm: Blah.
I've been down all day. No particular reason. Just feeling sorry for myself and grieving for all the people I've lost in my life, thru death (daddy, Grammy) and thru circumstances I can't understand. I just feel very, very alone.

Applied to a college in upstate NY to transfer to. Please send good thoughts my way, I'm gonna need them. Starting over somewhere new would be so nice. Because I don't know how much longer I can live like this...

11:58pm: Yay ! Good stuff.
I was bumped up in the production I'm in ! Go me. :) The play is a musical that takes place in the 1950's. It's a cross between Grease and Bye Bye Birdie and it's fun...not very intellectual, but fun. Anyway, some chick quit and I got a better part, with solos and such. I'm quite happy.




I need voice lessons. Getting the cash for voice lessons is another story. Sigh.

11:57am: I wish something would happen.
My life is so completely uneventful. I need something intresting to happen. Not bad, but intresting.


Why don't people email me back ? I've emailed two professors and I haven't gotten a single response. One, I emailed three days ago. If I was a professor, I'd be checking my email everyday, in case someone needed to contact me. Sheesh.


Hmmm...I have no money to see Kathy in "Hairspray" at the end of the month, but the good news is, her contract was extended and she's leaving on May 2, the same day as Harvey. Guess who's going on May 2 ? And Peter's coming with. :) I'm excited. I do have to cut out something. I don't wanna miss the OLTL fan club luncheon, but I don't think I'm gonna be able to swing the weekend in July with Kim and Susan. We'll see. I need to find a second job.


My first rehearsal for "The Nifty Fifties" was on Tuesday and it seems like it's gonna be a fun show. :) Although some of the younger kids were being quite obnoxious. Oh well.


Toodles.

6:23pm: I don't know why people like her...
Marissa Jaret-Winkour was the orginal Tracy Turnblad in "Hairspray." So people love her and think she's the greatest actress/singer ever...um, news flash. She can't sing. Am I the only person who's listened to the soundtrack ? No vocal variety whatsoever. Kathy Brier, who's Tracy currently sings her ass off, dances really well and is a super actress. But do people compare her to Marissa ? I'm sure they do. I personally believe the fact MJW bears a striking resemblance to Ricki Lake (who was Tracy in the movie) was a HUGE factor in her getting cast. Kathy's been gracious in interviews, saying how good she thinks Marissa was, but I think she's being too generous. I hate how people get compared to the orginials. Yes, it happens all the time (Look at poor Kerry Butler in Little Shop), but people can't take things at face value. Marissa cannot SING !! They gave a Tony to someone who can't sing a note !! And Kathy's way cuter, I'm sorry. I love her Tracy. Maybe I'm biased, but whatever. That's my opinion and I'm sticking to it.

2:18pm: GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Don't like what happening on my soap. The writers SUCK.


Hee...calming down. In other news, my mummy's booked our hotel for April !! Yea Wicked !! Yea stalking !! Good stuff.

11:28am: I'm not trying out for WSS after all
Which is probably a good thing. :) The non-equity auditions are only on Feb 14, which is Valentine's Day, which is the day Peter and I are going to NYC. Oh well.


I like "Wicked." I really do. It's awesome. But every single person on earth is obessed with it. I understand, because when RENT was new, people were like that with RENT. "Hairspray", same thing. I guess I just jump on the bandwagon late. I dunno.

12:12am: I dunno, we'll see..
I'm gonna make a huge fool out of myself, but I think I'm going to bite the bullet and audition for "West Side Story" at a professional theatre in my town. I can sing and act well, but I'm not a incredibly strong dancer and it's a huge dance musical. Grr. I guess there's no harm in trying, right ? A huge long shot, since it's very hard to get into a production there, anyway, if you're not a member of the company to begin with, but I guess every audition brings experience. If not, I'm a glutton for punishment. This is what I plan to do as a career, so I need to face my fears and just do it. And learning to really dance wouldn't hurt either. :)

I so want to direct a production of "Bat Boy". If I had the funds/rehearsal space/extra time, I would in a heartbeat. I will someday, because I want to.

12:11am: Uh, I'm not in high school anymore, but this sounds like me when I was.
Well Rounded Actor: From Directing, to Writing, to
Dramas, to Comedies, you do it all. You're the
highest level an actor can reach. You can play
any part and handle any amount of lines. Im
looking at a Mono-drama for you!


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11:04pm: Hee !!!!!!!!! I didn';t do this on purpose, even.

Welcome to the '60s, it's HAIRSPRAY!!! Plaid
Dresses, 45's, Dancing, and a bottle of Ultra
Clutch Hairspray. Sorry but you're in a world
all its own, Baltimore and the Baltimorons.
Try working on the whole Segregation thing,
just let the kids dance with the Nicest Kids in
Town. Don't Forget that You Can't Stop the
Beat and Have fun with your Scholarship to
Essex Community College!


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11:51am: I'm gonna update, I'm gonna update !!!
Exciting, I know. Anyway...gonna see "Hairspray" again for the 4th time on Feb 29th, Kathy's last show (I believe, anyway) and I'm exxxxxxxxxxxcited !! "Wicked" in April for my birthday and I cannot wait. I wanna meet Idina and Kristen very badly. Yes, I'm INSANE, but it's OK. :) Very excited.

10:00pm: Not for the faint of heart
I'm bleeding profusely. And it sucks. Menopause, you're not showing up fast enough. I have to wait, like 20 more years. I'm at school and instead of working on one of the 8 million things I have to do within the next 2 months, what the hell am I doing ? That's right...I'm online. Yup, I have my priorities in order. And, as a side note, I'm never having caffiene again. I feel like I smoked a profuse amount of crack. Cracked laced with something. Not that I'd really know what that was like, but one could imagine.
Emmy's last night...I watched because I had nothing better to do, besides massive school-work and I'm a geek. Debra Messing won and I was pleasantly suprised because my money was on Sarah-Jessica Parker or Jennifer Aniston. However, I discovered, while I love her character, Debra Messing annoys me in real life. Like, if I ran into her on the street, I'd have to fight the urge to kick her in the teeth. I don't know why, really, but when she accepted the award, a little bell went off in my head and I hated her manic laughter and her big, shiny white teeth. Her husband's kinda cute, though. Sean Hayes was sooooo cute with the blowing kisses. He shoulda won. And Megan Mullally should just win everything, because well, she's Megan Mullally and that's all there is to it. And can I just say, enough with the fucking Sopranos. Come on, that award had Peter Krause's name all over it. Friggin large man...James Gando whatever. Go away. That's all.

7:44am: Oh Lord, why am I even up ?
Up at 7:45 in the morning...I could die. And a very disturbing thought; I like that Hillary Duff song. Shoot me in the head. Now.

7:34am: Eh...
Wow, I guess it's been awhile since I've actually updated. I started school and suprise ! I actually like it. It's good to be back and to have some stability in my life. And I'm actually...well it seems like, I actually will graduate this spring. I will be a college graduate. A real fucking job. No matter what, I will NOT go back to the fucking Y. I miss the kids and all and I'll visit, but God, I've moved on from that place.

A huge part of me wants to go to grad school far away and get the college experience I've missed. I don't wanna leave Peter or Shana, but other than them, there's nothing for me here. I'm gonna get married in a couple of years and get a house, but I dunno...I wanna meet new people and just live my life. I feel so stuck here. I'm not going anywhere. The plan is...get a job in Boston after graduation...commute for a bit then go to grad school there...or NYU or whereever. I can't put my life on hold for anyone. Not anymore. I've lost touch with alot of people in my life and I'm just ready to start over.

Rant over. :)

10:28pm:

1:53am:



what john mayer song are you?

12:10am: Justified is a horrible name for an album...
So, dearest Shana sends me this article:

Justin: I 'did it' with Britney
Knight Ridder Newspapers
Sept. 25, 2002 04:25 AM

Justin Timberlake has confirmed what many have long suspected about his relationship with Britney Spears: Pop music's biggest couple got it on, reports the New York Daily News.


When the 'N Sync singer stopped by New York radio station Hot 97, the station's morning DJ, Troy Torain (aka Star), promised he'd play Timberlake's new single, "Like I Love You," 30 times a week if he'd tell just one secret.

Which was?

Star asked Timberlake if he had ever shared a certain bedroom intimacy with ex-girlfriend Spears.

After much hemming and hawing, Timberlake broke down.

"I did it," Timberlake said. "I'm dirty. I'm in so much damn trouble, man. I'm gonna get calls from my mother!"

No word yet on Britney's reaction.

Meanwhile, Timberlake will write, produce and serve as spokesman for public service radio and TV ads on behalf of Recording Artists, Actors and Athletes Against Drunk Driving (RADD). His new duties arrive in the aftermath of the Sept. 9 death - caused by an allegedly drunken truck driver - of one of his fans, Anna White, 21, while she was waiting for a glimpse of the singer outside a Southern California radio station.


Well, duh. Like we all didn't know that they were fucking. Or fucked. At least once. And why would you be in trouble w/ Mom ? You're 21, dude. Because you're kissing and telling ? Mama Lynn will probably be more upset that you and Britney had sex. Like you had sex with her. And not someone more deserving like...hmmm. *coughJCcough*. Anyway, that's old news. Thank God. I was really sick of the whole "I'm a virgin" shit she would bring out. But notice she started saying "no comment" after a while. It's because they were screwing. Hee. I like Britney. I really do and I feel bad for her because her fucking Mom is nuts. And Ju is very hot. Sex,sex, sex @!@ Lord...If Nsync breaks up, I'll fucking cry. Jesus, what's with all these profanties tonight ?

I feel like crap. But I have the best Baby-sitters Club book, the Super Special where they do the musical version of Peter Pan. It's the best !! Oh, and I saw West Side Story on Sunday. Mucho good. I luv the score. And I'm going to see RENT, courtsey of the best boyfriend in the entire world. All that almost makes up for the fact that I'm sick and my job sucks and my mom is completley tearing my hopes apart about moving. Almost. <>

Current Mood: sick

Current Music: Like I Love You- Justin Timberlake